Not in the mood

I've been having to deal with my ex-wife quite a bit recently.

See, my son needs his passport renewed. She wants me to take him to America. Cool.

But we're running out of time.

I told her this months ago. I prepared documentation. I told her what to do. She doesn't respond for a month, despite my asking her about it, and then suddenly she is on my ass to get it done. Saying stuff like I owe her for his Japanese passport if we end up not going.

You know, becuase she wouldn't do what I asked her to do.

But it's draining. Suffering from depression means my mind swirls trying to figure out what I did wrong. Becuase I don't want to blame someone else even if it is their fault. I have an innate desire to see how I failed. Even when others had their share.

Oh, and she likes blaming me.

Now a day is nearly over and I am just wiped. And I have to work tomorrow. Tuesday is always my busiest day. And I'm just so tired. But I have so much more to do.

Keep on keepin' on. I suppose.

Sweet, beautiful sleep

Yesterday I came home after a PPTQ with much on my mind to do.

I fell asleep.

Magic can be exhausting. Doesn't help when you put a lot of pressure on yourself to alawys be the best. I can't. I won't. I just have to try. Although it is frustrating that I somehow seem to brainfart more at an "important" tournament like a PPTQ. Well, saying "I can't" probably does not help.

But I am really tired.

I wonder if Magic is bad for me because of how I handle losses and bad luck or how I handle losses and bad luck is exactly why I should keep playing Magic and try to improve myself as a person and see what follows.

It sure beats just sitting around and sleeping, which is what my depression makes me want to do most days.

The long way home

As much as I appreciate my job, I am slowly getting more and more frustrated with where I live. To go to a little event tonight to see some people and have some drinks, I had to travel three hours. An hour more than I actually got to spend at the event.

At least it was Osaka so I could hit up a few card shops and pick up the last pieces I need for Standard this weekend.

Still. It’s frustrating. I know getting a job in a city would “solve” this but also add so many wrinkles and... well, change is scary.

I mean, I’ve been doing this job for eleven years. That’s almost a third of my life.

I feel terrified right now.

My Internet sucks

I spent an hour waiting for Magic Arena to download updates.

Luckily during this time I was also constructing Standard decks for next week. Golden Week seems to be packing a lot of tournaments.

But it was slow. So slow. And then I tried streaming. And I dropped 65% frames. Holy shit. Unwatchable, I bet. Not exactly making a good name for myself.

So what do I do? I live in the middle of nowhere. Maybe a landline would be better than the 4G Softbank think I'm using now. Probably. But this apartment was supposed to be a stop-gap between my divorce and the next thing. It's almost three years, though. I don't know when the next thing will be.

I'm afraid there won't be a next thing.

So now I feel more stuck than ever. Stupid Internet only, except it is preventing me from doing something I want, but I am wary about cancelling one plan, starting up another and then moving.

My Internet is slow though...

Nothing to say

I tried streaming tonight, but my heart wasn't in it.

My heart isn't in anything right now. I did enjoy the Dominaria Prerelease weekend, but now that it is over, there are some Standard tournaments coming up but I am completely at a loss what to play so that doesn't feel exciting.

I noticed I haven't worked on EPIC for three weeks.

While I have been doing odd translation jobs here and there, it's not a lot so I should have some time to code. I just... can't.

I don't know if it is because I ran out of ideas for the game, if I'm disheartened by it getting rejected from BitSummit or if deep down I don't want to make it.

I do want to make it. I think. I just have those concerns going on in the back of my head and now I'm worried about those and having trouble focusing? Maybe?

I'm not sure. So I tried streaming. Magic Arena daily quests and plugging away at FF12HD like I promised. But I don't feel like doing much. Damn vacation blues or whatever they call it.

I'm tired. So I've tried exercising more. People say that works. I think they are full of shit. Exercise has never made me feel good. Just bad. Really bad. But everyone says they feel better from it. So either my brain is so fucked and is trying to sabotage things that should make me feel good or people are fucking lying.

And I don't know who to trust anymore.

Sleepy time

I have been so tired. So, so tired. I don't know what it is. Spring? Allergies? Bad sleeping position?

I also know the Dominaria pre-release weekend is going to kick my butt. However I am going to play in a lot of pre-releases because there's a sealed PPTQ coming up and I want to not utterly fail at that. Of course there's the chance of pulling crap, but I want to at least practice.

That and get a collection of stuff and see what I need because I have no idea where Standard is going. Although I think The Scarab God is not going to have the impact or "reign of terror" that everyone once thought.

Although Phyrexian Scriptures sure seems like an interesting card. A turn delayed Damnation. I have trouble seeing that as bad. But we'll see if it slots in anywhere.

But I'm tired. Stil, I have kept up my streaming schedule as best as I can and even started working on my FF12 playthrough I promised. My last save was September 20. Holy shit, how time flies. And the Fiesta is almost upon us. I gotta get working on finishing this playthrough.

Crikies, and I still haven't beaten FF15. Or DQ11.

Well, there's been Magic.

Streams of blood

Hung out with my son today. I could have gone to a Legacy tournament, and I kind of really wanted to! But family. And I had a good time with my son.

Except.

Before both lunch and dinner he got nosebleeds. They were long ten-minute pinch the nose and wait ordeals. These kinds of things drive me insane. I mean, I know what to do, but it's wait. And there's nothing I can do but wait, and the boy wants to keep checking to check on his nose so I have to reassure him that holding it for a few minutes will solve the problem but... Sigh. It's stressful.

But that's parenting. It's not all joyful moments. And if he can associate shitty situations like a bloody nose with a caring father, I might have done part of my job.

Progress

People say that it is said that changing things up can help get out of a rut. So when no match was found for my second round of a Magic Online league, I opened up RosenkreuzStilette and finished the game.

I'm actually surprised I did because the game is fucking hard. It says I spent 180+ hours on it, which is believable since I have had the game running for a few months now, since there is no saving in it and loading from a password doesn't carry over Energy Tanks. Yes, it is a very Mega Man game.

Anyway, 180 hours is not a few months, so I guess it didn't track time when it wasn't in the foreground. I must have left it there a few nights, though. I mean, I mostly played it in-between rounds of Magic Online tournaments.

But it was a fun game, even if I suck hard at the Mega Man series of games and its clones.

I had already completed my Magic Arena grind for the day, and I must say I am going to miss my progress when they reset it, but I am at least having fun with the product. It feels less stressful than Magic Online for some reason? Probably because I am not spending actual money and nothing is “on the line” other than free cards and so on. I like this beta. It has a way to go, but it is fun.

After I finished RosenkreuzStilette, I booted up Minit. This was another nice little refresher. It's a short game, but it was fun. I’ll have to go into detail on both of these games, but I am glad I played them. That makes games number three and four I beat this year. Slower progress than usual, but then again I am on a serious Magic grind. I like that game a lot and want to be good at it. But breaks are healthy. I’m glad I took one.

A different day

After the divorce, I am still allowed to see my son, but it is kind of hinging on how my ex-wife acts. Sometimes she gives me shit for not spending enough time with him, but then I try to do things and she already has plans that day or he has activities and it's like, I can't drive out forty minutes and then forty minutes back to see him for ten minutes.

I love the boy, but I have to be conscious of money. (I say this as a Magic player which sounds hypocritical. Still, time is sadly money and I have to be conscious of that. I can't just do whatever, whenever.)

Anyway, it sounds like I am trying to get out of spending money on myself when I have a child, bue he does not go without. Anyway, I got a call this morning as I woke up and it was my ex-wife. Somehow the boy thought I was coming over today. I had no problem with this, but without prior arrangements it's just not something that happens. I said yes, she said okay and so I spent the day with the boy.

We did his homework. (Why do six year olds have so much homework? Even when school isn't in session!) We played Chinese Checkers. We ate curry. I bought him a pack of Pokémon cards and then we played a few rounds of it when we got home. We played Othello. Even though he is not allowed to play video games, I am glad we can share my love of gaming in general, and I hope it sticks. I do believe it keeps one sharp and curious.

Then we goofed around a bit, it was time for him to have dinner and bath so I went home. Magic Arena got stuck downloading. (I think they are doing a stress test this weekend?) So I played some RosenkreuzStilette which is such a weird, difficult game.

Not the day I was expecting, but not a bad one. Sadly I got no Magic practice in. Going in to a PPTQ tomorrow with Grixis Midrange. I should probably have given up on it but it is the deck I have worked the most with and will just try my best. This is the last PPTQ before Dominaria hits, and that set should shake things up. So at least I have that to look forward too in terms of Magic.

The thing about spring

Just woke up from a ""nap"". I had a meeting this afternoon, had dinner after that and just collapsed on my bed. I should probably look in my journal to see if I was sleeping this much last spring break.

I know I have read that sleeping too much leads to exhaustion. Or maybe someone told me that and I believed it for some reason. It's cliche to say one hates sleep, but well, yada-yada, too much to do and so on.

But it does make one question life a bit when you are too exhausted to be exhausted. Or something. I'm unsure.

At least I got my work done today.

Shocking revelations

Have I mentioned that I put on over five kilograms during the winter?

Holy shit.

Nerves? Maybe. Some shit has been pretty not-great. I mean, not terrible, but I am not good at doing stuff. But I realized I was snacking a lot while driving, usually while coming home from something. And I have been going out more than I did when I first moved out on my own again because it has been getting to the point where I don't like staying home.

But driving is boring. And even when you have many, many, many, podcasts to listen too, a couple of chocolate-chip breadsticks go down real nice when you are driving home at one in the morning.

But that probably was not great for my waist.

So I am going to make effort one to snack less. I already did it tonight. On my way home from the tournament I had nothing to eat. I feel a bit hungry, but not really hungry, and I bet when I wake up tomorrow morning I am not going to regret eating nothing.

Now I just have to keep this up. Because I'm not young, and while depression may make living hard some days, I have no desire to die any time soon.

Days gone by

I streamed a bit today. I guess that is a thing?

I did some research for my son's passport. I guess that is a thing?

I made some calls, filled out some paperwork, applied for some jobs.

I guess those are things?

And yet I feel empty. I want to accomplish something but I do not know what it is that I exactly want to have done. I slept a lot, too. I don't feel good. I could be spring, or allergies or the fact that I put on 10 pounds over the winter. Yikes. I need to watch what I eat a lot more.

But that is just boring, daily maintenance. I don't know what I want. Well, I do, but I know getting it isn't something that is likely to happen.

So I just keep living these days. But someday I will be out of them. And that is terrifying.

My fat suit

Putting on my suit today - a thing I tend to do maybe once a year - it was so tight that I felt embarrassed. Not to mention today was warmer than it had been yesterday so I felt like a pig.

I have put on weight.

So, I am going to have to pay more attention. Looking at my spending habits, I do have "snack" written down more than I should. That should be the place to start. Going to all these Magic tournaments has gotten me in the habit of snacking on the drive home, mostly becasue I'm frustrated/tired/stressed and eating is an easy way out. But perhaps my water bottle will serve just as well. Ice cold water is kind of nice.

Other than that, I have just been sleepy. Spring is ruining me. I need to find something to focus on to get through this spring break and not feel like I wasted it.

Bad choices

I was out until 2:30, drove an hour and a half home, showered, slept until 8:30, got up, drove to a PPTQ.

I didn't do to well. 1-2-2.

Two problems. I changed decks. Again! I don't know why I did, but something told me to try playing Black Blue Midrange again. I should have kept practicing with Grixis.

Also. The sleep. I'm so tired. So. Yeah. Not much to report but I'm going to bed early tonight.

I'm not young.

Why

It’s four am. I’m planning on getting up at eight to go out. I’m livin like I’m in my twenties again.

Maybe it’s anger at things I cannot control and want some sort of freedom. I don’t know. But I am sleepy.

Anger

I missed my son's graduation from kindergarten because my ex-wife did not tell me the date.

I'm angry, but that doesn't do me much good. The event is over. Yelling at my ex-wife won't get me to go back in time. So I just have to progress with life and reinforce to my son when I do see him that I do care about him and me missing this event means nothing.

I mean, I don't even remember my kindergarten graduation and I don't know if both of my parents could make it because of work and schedules and stuff. I am sure if I asked them they would let me know. But the point is it didn't scar me in either case. I can't remember it. I hope the same is true for my son.

I knew the divorce would cause troubles, but this is something I never expected. I should have, but I am slowly unraveling how my life will be. There is someone I cannot trust to give me information.

It's frustrating, but I have to deal with it.

Although my son was out and I did not get to see him today, I at least managed to turn my energy to getting some translation work done and then playing some Magic in a Standard Showdown. I went 2-1, thanks to a bye. So I got some store credit and pulled an Angrath in my Showdown pack. That's cool. Less important than my son's graduation, but I was able to at least do something with my day instead of moping about things out of my control.

And that is what I have to do. I have to live a life. My own.

The Stranger

I got into an argument with my ex-wife this weekend. I failed at one of my goals to approach situations like this calmly and rationally.

It's hard when you are suddenly put on defense unexpectedly.

When I noticed how our child was reacting to this, I realized my folly in arguing at this time, said goodbye to him with a hug and left. His parents may not have any love between them anymore, but he should not suffer for this.

What did I do wrong? I was looking in the house for a tape measurer. See, the boy needs his passport renewed and the page asks for the person’s height. Okay. I should have researched this earlier, I admit, but I didn't realize, and no one knew his height, and I figured one of the drawers would have a tape measurer. I was pretty sure there was one when I lived there years ago.

My ex-wife came home to me rummaging through the drawers and was outraged. Why would a stranger go through someone else’s stuff. I apologized, or did I? It's hard to remember after such an intense event, but said that I was doing it for the boy’s passport application. “Why didn't you bring something or go buy something?” Well, I messed up and didn't read the application beforehand. It's all done online. I figured it wouldn't take too much time. I didn't know I’d need a tape measurer.

Anyway, the same thing happened that happened every argument we had during our marriage which ultimately brought us to divorce. She accused me of something, I said my reasoning and she retorted by saying that I did the thing I did.

It always drove me a little mad. It still does, I suppose. I don't get it, but I’m not the one getting emotional about the situation. Well, that's not true. I'm not the one initially getting emotional.

Perhaps there was something in the drawers she didn't want me to see. Perhaps she just believes that as we are now divorced I have no right to do anything to her property. And maybe I don’t. I do watch our child at her house before she gets home some days. I was, perhaps stupidly, just doing my best to try to get a difficult process in motion. Should I have looked up the form earlier? Yes. Should I have asked earlier his height and when I received the answer that it was unknown procured a tape measurer and prepared myself? Yes.

Am I a stranger going through someone's things with malicious intent? I cannot agree. I was simply trying to help. Perhaps it did not seem that way. She's lucky I am not the type of person to pocket the bits of cash she had just left around the house, but then again it is fairly stupid of me to say she's lucky I am a decent person.

I pleaded my case that I was simply trying to get the paperwork done as soon as possible so I could take the boy to America this summer. (Let's not ask her what the progress is on her renewing his Japanese passport.) She called me a stranger and a thief.

That hurt. I was attempting to do the best I could, the soonest I could, for the child. Had I made mistakes in the process? Surely I did. Does a divorce make me a stranger and a thief? Does my explanation hold no ground because I am now to her, in her own words “nobody”? I don't know. I have trouble seeing how I truly erred, but I know my intents were only noble and she does not see them that way.

I have to remember to hold back, especially in front of my son. He doesn't need to see that. No one does.

Naptime

I wanted to stream tonight, but after dinner. So I thought after doing some necessary shopping that I would nap for a half hour.

Three hours later...

I did stream. A good mirror match of Grixis Midrange. I’m really torn on that deck and Snakes and Ladders. I had a terrible performance at a PPTQ with Snakes on Sunday, but then got second in a Standard Showdown. I could probably have both decks sleeved up, although they do share some cards and just play in the Standard events available for the time being. No more PPTQs for a while.

GP Kyoto is coming up and I’m sad I don’t have a team to play in the main event, but I’ll be rolling some side events and that should be fun. I put together a different Modern deck since Mono Blue Living End has been performing poorly since Bloodbraid Elf came back, so I’ll throw this new deck around a bit and maybe play some Modern at the GP. Or Legacy. It’s been a while since I really played my Delver deck, but it’s been Standard time. Last winter had a bunch of Legacy events.

I was real down yesterday but feel a bit better today, even though I had a troll show up in my stream. Oh well. Ban and move on. People, though. Sheesh.

More losing

Three 1-2 nights in a row.

Now here is my conundrum. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the preparing to play Magic. I generally enjoy half of my games, win or lose. It’s the after time when I see how bad I did overall that I just get a kick of those depression moments.

And that’s not good. Now there are two parts to it. I have to recognize that it is a feeling and I have to also not let it impact my life too negatively.

It’s not just the game. It’s life in general. Things are happening and recently I’ve been overall going downhill.

I doubt I could read them since my handwriting is so bad, but I should check my diary from last year. See how I was. It’s not to compare in the sense of making myself feel better or worse, but to be honest with myself and my feelings.

But I know right now I am not content with my results playing Magic. I’m still enjoying my leisure time, but something is not right. And I need to figure out what that is.

I forgot to blog yesterday

I just lost a 31-day streak on blogging. That kind of stings. Somehow I just forgot to. I had the time, but I put it off and things happened and then bam. No blog post. Thirty-one day streak ends.

Although that is a pretty good streak for me. Now I just have to beat it.

In fact, looking back on February (Holy shit, it's March), I blogged 27 times, streamed 17 times, read 3 books and finished 0 games. Whoops on that last one. Well, I have been focusing on Magic, and on iOS I have been playing that damnable Trap Game where I got to the "time limit room" eight fucking seconds late last night, so that felt bad but also good in that I am slowly improving.

Which is a good metaphor for this year. Slowly improve. Each day may not be a success, but let's slowly improve and see where things end up in ten more months.

Perhaps I'll be happy with what I see.