The Panic

I went to a gaming “industry” meet up last night. I put that in scare-quotes not to diminish it but because it's not like the event is limited to gaming industry people only. I mean I’m allowed to go.

(Is it fucked up that I have released five games and I still don't consider myself part of the gaming industry?)

While I was waiting for people to show up, I was doing Shadowverse’s equivalent of drafting. People started coming in and I chatted with them, but I wanted to finish the Arena best-of-five that I had started.

Plus there were people there.

While I know it was rude to keep playing the game while chatting, my panic was starting to hit in hard. I don't get it. I knew at least half of the people there, and the new folk were friendly enough. But I just started to fear for my life.

I tried to calm my nerves with pizza and booze. It didn't help. I just remember sitting at one point, conversations to the left of me, conversations to the right, and here I am in the middle just paralyzed without a thing to say. I eventually interjected a bit into a conversation about localization, but after that I just slowly looked at the clock and decided to head out.

I was a bit early for my train, but that was okay. I played some Shadowverse on the train. I got home, exercised a bit and went to bed.

I could have stayed home and played games but I don't think I would have done that either. I was exhausted from work - and it wasn't even a hard work day! But I went out and didn't feel it either.

I’m feeling lost right now. Not sure where I am heading in life or with any of my hobbies or interests. Which is funny because this morning I recorded my daily video and was pretty pumped for Guilds of Ravnica. I guess I still am? I’m just scared of life all of a sudden and not making any moves.

Who am I waiting for permission from?