Breakdown

Another 1-4 PPTQ.

I got frustrated. I said some things to some people I shouldn't have said.

Back in 2016 when I went to America, my plans were to pick up one an NES that was sitting in my parents' attic, and get heavy into speedrunning that winter. Then along came Magic.

I do have a bit of an addictive personality. When I get into things I often get into them hard. I did it with kanji when I came to Japan, I the got into Yugioh at quite the intensity, really got into translating when I started that and then had a fliration with speedrunning after I left my wife.

Now we have the Magic situation.

I'm not spending money I don't have - that's good! My "addiction" is not taking away from my work or my obligations to my son. Now yes, there are weeks where I will play in up to five tournaments, but there are others where I just get to one.

So what's the problem?

I'm not a good loser.

I'm a negative thinker and this carries out into many of my daily things. The medication is supposed to help me with my anxiety and depression but I think I might be misdiagnosed or simply not taking effective medication.

My plans were to come home and stream after the tournament today, but I didn't even want to interact with other people on that level. I just sat and did some grinding in my Four Job Fiesta run and the daily quests in Magic Arena. I'm a few days ahead on my translation work.

But see, there's another thing. I'm ahead of schedule on my translation work and yet I am anxious about getting it done on time. Or if it is actually right. But I have been doing this work for years now and have never gotten submitted work rejected. So why do I worry?

The world of possibilities.

Let's not even get into my game dev, whcih I haven't touched in over a month because... more failure?

I recognize that Magic is a game of variance and skill, and I have skills to learn, but I feel stuck. And while I enjoy going to tournaments, the losses - not really the losses but just the feeling that I'm not good enough to even have good matches just frustrates me. Then I go do it again the next week, and I am excited to play, but I fail and these strings of failures are weighing on top of the other things. Finding a new job. Dealing with life as a divorced father. Still paying my college debt. Having been a teacher for 12 years when I thought it would be five. I feel like I fucked up my life and I try to get enjoyment out of something else, but I can't because the problem isn't Magic or video games or translation.

It's that I hate myself. I hate my every being. I don't know how to "love" myself. That doesn't make sense. All I know is to hate and be negative to myself. And it's bad. It's not healthy. And I'm addicted to it.