I went 1-4 during Saturday's PPTQ.
I felt like I had been preparing. Online reps with the deck. A FNM. Reading up on sideboarding. Thinking about the deck.
Before the tournament started, I walked around a bit. Did some deep breathing exercises. I did some "affirmations". I know about the quesitonable "science" behind them, but I am trying to relax and focus.
I played like shit.
Now, there has to be a difference between recognizing that and insulting myself. On Saturday afternoon I was definitely doing the latter. I removed myself from a group of friends because I didn't want to start whining to others. But I did just go home and hate myself. When I played in a PTQ on Magic Online I did not act in a healthy way. I had some bad variance but I was taking it personally.
But that will happen. Because I am human, and I will fuck up.
But I have to acknowledge that I fucked up. And look at what I don't like about how I acted. And think about how I thought. Yes. That is so hard, but I have to think about how I thought beause I was not thinking good thoughts. I was hating myself.
Over a game.
Is the game unhealthy for me? Or am I unhealthy for myself? It might be the latter. You know what? I went 1-4 but I beat the "best deck of the format". I continue to be almost always the only foreigner in these tournaments playing a highly competitive and complex game in a non-native language.
These may not be huge things, but they are things I can look back at and say I did. And I'm not 1-4. I played to 1-4. Next time I can play to 0-5 or 5-0. Because there is always chance along with how I approach things.