Lost opportunities

I watched Moonrise Kingdom last night for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe I was looking for something to pad my “Watch ten movies this year” “”resolution”” or I wanted to feel sad and empty for some reason.

Well, I didn't know that I would feel that way.

I suppose the film does end “happily”, although there is a sense of… perhaps the personal passage of time. I would never want to have had a childhood like the two main characters. Being orphaned and disliked by peers or living in a “busy” family that only is a family in name only.

The adults in this film are fucked up. And perhaps that is what hits hard.

Or it was one line, or rather a pair of lines in the middle of the film that got me. The main girl says something about how she’d like to be an orphan. After all, all of her favorite characters in books are. The main boy says “I love you, but you have no idea what you are talking about.”

I would never have had the courage to say “I love you.” to a girl at age twelve. Okay, I think I did ask a girl to be my girlfriend around that age but it was kind of a “I have no idea how things work in the world.” and it was an embarrassing mess of a thing, and I honestly feel terrible for doing what I did. But that's another story for another time.

Sadly, I can't say I haven't had “those” thoughts that I know are wrong but the mind warps into some sort of delusion. Like, being an orphan would be “adventurous”. Or having legs that don't work means you could eschew things like exercise or a “normal life” and focus on “what you really want”. The idea that limitations would allow one (i.e. me) to focus on things instead of feeling bad that I am not doing things that anyone could do.

I mean, I’m healthy. I could go hiking every weekend. But I won’t. Because I don't want to. And something in me is scared enough to feel guilt that I don't do these sort of things that I don't want to but would be socially “acceptable” and instead want to do things that are not.

So basically I’m just ashamed of my own wants. That's probably not healthy.

I suppose that is what made me feel so sad after watching the film. There was just that brazen “We will do what we want.” in the children, while the adults had just taken their lumps in life and were living lies. And what lies am I living? What am I not doing because I am afraid of something that possibly doesn't even exist?

I’m healthy. I’m privileged. I’m alive. I should be doing the things I want to. But I’m not. I slept while doing my laundry yesterday instead of playing a game or reading a book or streaming. I slept after dinner instead of doing anything because I am afraid. I have put zero minutes of work into EPIC in the past two weeks - two weeks that were mostly time off, mind you - because I am afraid of something.

Maybe I am afraid of life. Maybe I am afraid of commitment to being something that “might not work out”. Look at my projects, my “podcast”, my “games”, my “streaming”, my “freelance work”, my “teaching job”. Look at how I feel like I have to put quotes around those because I don't feel like they are real things even though I put real work into them.

Maybe I just want pity. Maybe I just want the demon dogs to get shot in the neck.