I made a mistake

Standard Showdown, Round Three.

Winner gets the prize pack and a Standard Showdown pack. Loser just gets nothing.

I look at the board. Chandra is going to either put me down two more life or flip something that can help my opponent win the game. Gonti grabbed a Glorybringer. Chandra is at five loyalty. I have two Zombies, a Jadelight Ranger with two +1/+! counters on it and Gonti. Vraska is able to make a Pirate. I do that. I swing into his four creatures. I burn one with Glorybringer. He chumps one, let's Chandra die.

Next turn brings back his Eathshaker Khenra. I Fatal Push it. He targets my Pirate. Swings with his remaining two creatures. I go to mark my life total. I was at five. I thought I was at seven. I didn't check the life totals.

I should have used the Fatal Push on one of his other craatures, swung into Chandra, leaving up two blockers. I could have had the game. I threw it away. Because I didn't look at my life total.

This is bugging the shit out of me. I don't need the prize cards. I have the cards I need to play Magic. What I need, what I crave right now is to not feel like an idiot. But I let something slip by and I made a mistake. And it cost me the match. And I feel so bad.

Not because I didn't get prizes. Not because I didn't win. But I failed. I failed to examine everything. And it bothers the shit out of me.

But what I have to do with this is learn, not hate myself. Right now there is a part of my brain yelling at me for being such an idiot. But maybe I was tired. Maybe I just brain farted. Maybe the ticking clock on the round had me worried. Maybe one hundred fucking things, but in the end I made a mistake. And I have to live with that and learn from it but I also have to find a way to not let that part of my brain, no, not let my depression own it and put me down. I made a mistake in a game.

That's okay.

It reinforces to me that I need to be careful and do math a bit slower. I need to think things through. I need to not let myself rush if I need time. I need to think out possibilities. That is what separates me.

But goodness, Depression just won't shut the fuck up now. And seriously, Depression, shut the fuck up.