Is it a cry for help if you're not crying?

Sometimes I wonder if this is my mid-life crisis. I'd hate that. I don't want to be dead at 70.

But I still feel like I am in the middle of some sort of existential crisis. After a three day weekend where I played a good amount of Magic and lost a good amount of Magic, I went back to work. Only I felt a complete and utter sense of dread.

I don't know. That is what is scary. I don't know exactly what I want, but it's not this.

Well, if I was able to stream myself playing Magic and other games. Run the Fiesta and other events. Translate here and there. Make a game now and again. But the goal would be survival off of those endeavors. If I could survive, then I would. But that seems like folly to want because I’m just not in the state of being able to do that. And there are so few people who can. So wanting it feels stupid.

Doesn't stop the heart wanting what it wants.

But I feel like a dummy. That's why I feel bad when I stream because I feel like I am yelling at the wind. When I release a game, it’s just a cute little moment like when a baby shits itself and smiles from joy. “Aw, look what the man with a CS degree did in his spare time.” Even this blog feels like a failure. I spend time every day writing for it, or feeling bad about not writing for it, and since it makes me zero money, I feel bad.

Then again, what am I providing that people would want and would make me money? Sounds greedy, but I got them bills to pay. The CS degree did my little good once I decided to teach English in Japan for a couple of years. Then I got “stuck” because I needed some job to pay the bills while my (now ex) wife was staying at home with the child. Well, that sounds like I am blaming others. I made what I thought was the best decision at the time. Now things are getting tough. Plus, I owe her money for said child, whom I do love. Also, I hate the fact that I feel the need to preface, or say afterwards in this case, that I love my child. I do. Maybe I’m afraid people will think I’m a shitty father and a shitty person. Maybe I think to much about what others think.

Wow, I sure made some good decisions, huh?

But what is complaining going to get me? Maybe some pity. And pity can be fucking nice at times! But it doesn't pay the bills. Which, wow, I get back to that a lot, don't I? Every month when I get my depression/anxiety pills I get asked if I think about suicide. Not in so much as I am going to do it. It does seem like a weird question, or at least worded in a weird way because I hear about suicides. So of course I think about suicides.

Okay, I’m being pedantic. The doctor means if I am thinking about doing it myself. No, but then again there is that bit of depression where existence just doesn't seem worth it. That doesn't mean I want to die per se. It just means I want some sort of change. Change big enough to make me feel like life is something. That I’m not just grinding away to back past debts and future ones for my child.

I do kind of like playing Magic. I suck at it though. And almost feel like there is some part of me resistant to being good. Like yesterday. Round one. I saw a potential play but just didn't do it, not thinking that if my opponent had one piece of removal I was dead. Of course they had the removal. But I was feeling sad about my opponent's 7 lands on the table while I was stuck at 4. I was feeling bad for myself, which I am realizing doesn't do much good but is a bad habit that sure digs in.

What am I getting at?

I'm sorry. I’m sorry to you all. I feel like a burden. I know that is the depression speaking, and I wish it would shut the fuck up. Because I know I haven't done grievous crimes. Shit, there are people out there doing terrible things and getting away with it. And I have the gall to feel bad for trying to do something with the mess that chemicals in my brain seem to want to work with? There I go, feeling bad again.

Where was I?

Yeah, I hope this isn't a midlife crisis, because I don't want to be dead by 70. I do want to play Kingdom Hearts 3, after all.