On the edge of 36

It's New Year's Eve for me!

Tomorrow starts my thirty-seventh year on the planet because I'll be thirty-six years old. That's how the math works, right? When you're zero, that's your first year, so... Yes.

Ah, I am glad I studied computer science. It came in handy.

I've been... a bit of a shit recently. Well, I can blame lots of things but I've just been an up and down emotional rollercoaster. I could and slash or want to blame it on things like my results in Magic tournaments, but that's not quite it. It's... more existential. Or some bullshit. I dunno.

I streamed for a few hours tonight. It doesn't matter how many viewers I got since I would have wanted to practice Magic anyway, so why not stream it? But still. At some point the brain goes "Why am I doing anything? Am I actually being a service to the world?"

And that makes me sad.

I know several people who just seem to do things. I don't. I have intense fear of, well, everything. And for fuck's sake do I not have the excuse for it. I am blessed in so many ways. And yet I let so many opportunities pass.

Why? Why am I so scared? What made it so innate in me?

What makes me hate myself so much?

I've made it through thirty six years. That's nearing the halfway point of life expectancy. I could die tomorrow. I probably won't, but things happen. I've already lost two of my gradeschool friends. Their families lost their children.

I'm alive. So why am I not living?