I have been playing Magic again for over a year.
What do I want to get out of this?
Fun? I do have it. But I let myself get too wrapped up in the results. And that is bad. I have to let myself be free of this restraint, because that is what is keeping me from doing something like streaming.
Becuase I can see that as a "failure" too.
Obviously I know that I will not have 1000 people watching me stream just because I am streaming. But when I have 0, that feels like a failure. But that is how any streamer starts. Is my goal to become a big streamer? Or is my goal just to share myself playing games.
I have to think about these things.
I have been pretty good about reading thirty minutes every day like I spoke about a few days ago. And I am feeling a positive effect from that. I am not sure if I am happier - is there even a way to really measure that? But I feel a bit more balanced, even though I have the occasional day like Sunday.
As I finish up another year of teaching, I wonder, what do I want? A part of me wants to be someone who just plays Magic and streams, but I don't do either of those enough to be that person. And I don't work on my games at a good enough rate to be a true "indie game developer" even though I have released five games.
This is making me feel a little sad. And perhaps it is. But what is it that I want out of all of this that I am doing? That is such a hard question. I need to take it seriously while not letting it weigh me down at the same time.