Fake Final Fantasy Fan

For one of my birthdays I was trying to concoct a way that the party attendants could each take the role of one of the characters in the Nintendo Power article about Final Fantasy 4. When a Squaresoft newsletter came talking about the Final Fantasy 6 soundtrack, I wished I could get the game itself. I asked my parents, but they came back with gifts of other games on my list. So when the 20th anniversary of FF6's NA release happened this week, I felt bad. I didn't have the chance as a kid to delve into the game. Yeah, I did it with Secret of Mana and Chrono Trigger. I loved them. But these FF games which mean so much to me now eluded me as a child. And I have to wonder. Did I not want them bad enough? Am I not enough of a fan?

Even though I run a yearly event for people to play a Final Fantasy game. The FF game that changed my life. And yet when I hear about people pouring their weeks into FF6 at its release I can't help but feel as if my past betrays myself. Completely silly, but it is there.

I had a great time playing all of the games in 2002 and 2003. Then a few of them in Japanese for the first time in 2006 and an almost entire series replay starting last summer and still going on right now. I love these games, and that means more to me that what others think... Or so I like to say. There is something in me - an insecurity - of being not "real" enough. Which does no one any good. But it's there, rooted deep and I cannot help but wonder why. What benefit do I get about worrying if people think me "the ultimate fan"?

What does it get me?