Vulvacia Barbequesauce: Chapter Nine

Ten (Salting the Sauce)

Vulvacia jumped up into the air and poised her fist to knock the salt out of the dealer’s soul. A blue light flashed and Vulvacia fell down to the ground. The salt-dealer smiled wryly and wiped her lips with a hand-wipe. Vulvacia winced in pain. This salt-dealer knew her secret. But how? No one but Sadness knew, and even then, Sadness did not know about the salt/wipe conundrum that bounded Vulvacia.

“Let it rain from the pig,” squealed the salt-dealer of questionable origin and summoned down pound ofter pound of bacon onto Vulvacia. As the salted pig-flesh began to wrap around her, Vulvacia began to feel her rich, flavorful essence become constricted into backwards meat saucing. The order was not right. She was supposed to be the one covering the bacon. This lapse in logic was destroying the Order and Justice of the world.

The salt-dealer’s smile turned into a wide-mouthed guffaw. Wipe after wipe was tossed onto the ground and pound after pound of hickory delight fell onto the poor Guardian of Justice. Finally, after the hand-wipe pack was empty, the salt dealer walked over to Vulvacia and pointed a garden hose at her. The hose was attached to the soul of the “salt-dealer”.

“Where is my Deus Ex Machina?” cried out Vulvacia. But it was three chapters away.