Vulvacia Barbecuesauce: Chapter One

First (An introduction to the main character.)

Vulvacia Barbecuesauce punched the grisly beefmonger in his salmon filled beard. Her diamond encrusted Gauntlets of Happiness erupted with the passion of three hundred freshly baked pies. The beefmonger’s twenty seven pet pit bulls exploded from the sadness of seeing their beloved master perish. Vulvacia adjusted her tri-cornered hat and saluted the sky. The digital bacon would be delivered on time. Another digital disaster was avoided thanks to her brave work.

Vulvacia winked at her temporal watch and teleported back to her secret space fortress, the Pastrami of Developmentalism. Arriving in the kitchen, her friend and sidekick Boston Von Cremefilledjustice was baking twelve banana cream pies. Dinner would soon be served. She saluted him by placing her thumb and forefinger underneath her left eye. He nodded and proceeded to sprinkle diced cubes of beef on top of the pies.

He knew that meant her mission was a success.

Over dinner, the two discussed their needs for hyper dimensional bacon fueled happy pants. With these pants, they would be able to finally make progress against their greatest enemy of all - illegal downloads. Boston coughed. A chunk of strawberry jam like blood landed on the table. Another illegal download had just completed. Neither Vulvacia nor Boston himself knew how much more his body could take. The constant supply of bacon to his arteries was barely enough to keep his pies at the quality he needed to maintain for happiness to be in the hut of his mind. Justice needed to come soon and swift. The people must know of his sadness.

Sadness, the opposite of Happiness could be forgotten for a while tonight, they had hoped. However that bright red glob on the table told them all that they needed to know. Their mission would have to continue, their pie celebration cut shamefully short. Vulvacia tightened the temporal watch around her muscular wrist. Boston nodded sadly, a single banana scented tear rolled down his cheek. Vulvacia longed to lick that tear and feed it into the happiness engine that her own heart might one day possess. Until then, her feelings had to stay a secret. For Boston’s sake. For the universe’s sake. For the pies.

Nodding to the great Justice of Superspace, Vulvacia winked at her watch and was transported away to where justice was needed. Unfortunately, it was needed just about everywhere at that moment. So it placed her in Hoboken, New Jersey.