Leg day

I knew moving would be hard, but two days later and my muscles are crying. Screaming. Begging for sweet release from the ache I have caused them.

I guess I'm not that healthy.

Which is scary, but the truth. I'm thirty-five, thirty-six in a couple of months and I need to get my shit together. I'm not getting any younger as the cliché goes, and well, I have to work harder.

I do have daily reminders to do mild exercise, although ""life"" gets in the way far too often and I skip it. I wonder if basic lifting, biking and other exercises are enough to keep myself healthy. Maybe it's more of a food thing.

Chocolate is too good.

But this move and the resultant muscle pain has me scared. I live alone now. A heart attack would basically mean death, right? Unless I am able to recognize what is going on and call for help in time. Although I'm not too sure how all of that goes. That's morbid. Maybe I should know more though.

Well, that's enough fear mongering myself for today. Time to do work. I guess?

Stupid fear

I am writing this because it is something I can do instead of something I do not want to do. That is move.

Ugh, everything is just so heavy and everywhere, and I have trash to take out and... blech.

But, it needs to be done. Something is scary about it. The feeling that I will miss something. Something will get through the cracks and cause trouble.

Or not. It might work out just fine. And I will be in a new place. I can organize it a bit differently. It will be a change. Perhaps I can use that to spark some good.

Also, I sure am getting some exercise. Games are heavy. Especially when you have a ridiculous amount of them.

I should get back to work. I don't want to, but I should. At least it is a distraction from other things I am afraid of doing.

Movin' Out

Due to reasons, I'm moving.

Well, not the big move out of the countryside that I wanted, but to a different apartment in the same building.

Rennovations!

Which meant my plans of taking a nap and then streaming some Magic Online tonight quickly became a mix of packing and cleaning.

And holy shit did I have some junk.

Dead laptops, tons of boxes. Might as well just get rid of it all now. A lot of it was useful when I first moved here but now I can finally get rid of it. I threw away ten t-shirts I haven't worn in three years.

I found my old Yugioh cards. I think I sold anything that was worth value. I wonder if any place buys bulk. I could just donate them to something or someone, maybe?

Oh well. Barely scratched the surface tonight. More tomorrow. Going to be a hell of a week.

Twenty hours later

I wrote nothing last night beause one again I thought it would be a good idea to take a "nap" at 8pm. Of course I slept until about 3am. And then couldn't get back to sleep.

So I organized my room. That was an accomplishment.

Then I went and played in two Magic tournaments. I did average. I need to practice more but I am so shy about spending time on Magic Online for some reason.

I don't get it.

What I am going to get is some sleep now. Holy hell, I am tired.

All day, and all of the night

I'm tired.

I don't think I am sleeping well, but I also don't think I am doing the right things to sleep well. I get home late four days out of the week. Want to go and play Magic in public. Don't exactly like staying home all of the time.

Also, I've gained weight. I heard that can be bad for your breathing at night. Not great.

I exercise, but the bare minimum. A couple of sit-ups and push-ups a day, a few minutes on my fake bike, lift a couple of weights. Try to walk when I can. So many people say it makes you "feel better" but it's pure hell I don't look forward to. I would prefer not to, but apparently it's good. Maybe I'm doing it wrong or not enough.

There's stress. Life stuff. I could complain but who cares? I just have to get it sorted out best I can. That's all.

I could go to bed more. I could sleep more. But I also kind of want to live life. Maybe I want to do too much.

Sleep and life shouldn't be at odds with each other.

Almost

I went 3-1 in tonight's Standard Showdown. That felt good. Got fourth place. Got one of the packs. Didn't pull anything, but I am mostly grinding for Planeswalker Points. 2500 and I get two byes at GPs for the next year.

I have 2327. I need the 2500 by May 27. Likely not going to happen.

Had I gone to a few more tournaments, found a team for a GP, won a few more games here and there. Possibly. Oh, it is going to bother me. But I cannot let it. I played hard and will keep playing hard. And that's all I can do. I'll get better. I might even start winning tournaments.

Or I won't. This is just a hobby. Something I do for for between all my other work. But it kind of feels good to have a passion for something.

Technology!

In 2013 or so I bought an iMac.

It came with Blue Tooth keyboard, but I wanted a wired one. So I got one. I liked it.

Last year I built a Windows machine. Hey, I need it for testing game dev stuff. (And Magic Online. Mostly Magic Online.)

But recently, the 7UJM "line" on the keyboard stopped working. Now, I wanted to research a nice keyboard, but I was getting frustrated so I just picked up a cheap USB keyboard from a local place. Plugged it in, keys work. Yay.

Now, I still have my iMac running. So I plugged in the "broken" keyboard. Those "broken" keys work there.

I love technology.

Back to uncertainty

I made top eight at last week's PPTQ, but I still didn't like the deck I was playing. It felt off somehow.

So now I'm sitting and thinking of what to play. I haven't been able to win a match on Magic Online with anything. Nothing feels like the right choice. It feels like I'm telegraphing all of my opponents I am going to throw Paper and they are ready with Scissors.

It's frustrating. Standard is in such a weird place. So many people sound confident about their deck choices, but when I give them a whirl they just feel like they lose to the flavor of the week that I didn't see coming.

It doesn't even feel like I have the chance to master a deck before it is out of the running for quality.

When the brain isn't right

I was getting ready to sit down and code some EPIC when I got some more translation work in.

"The world does not want me to work on this game!" my brain thinks. Well, except that I could have worked on the game instead of taking a ""nap"" which somehow I never heard the alarm to and slept for more hours than intended. Or instead of streaming some Magic Arena.

I have to come to the terms that I'm just unsure of what I exactly want to do with the game right now. Once the engine is done I have to do area design and that is going to take art, which I am not good at, and thought on the structure of the game's areas, something I haven't done much, so it's new and scary.

So delaying finishing the bulk of the engine comes pretty naturally to me.

Actually, I'm delaying so many things because of fear. Books I haven't read, games I haven't played, all because of some nebulous "fear" that I have to do something first before I'm deserving of what I actually want. Yeah, I didn't stream Magic Online tonight because I don't feel like I deserve it. Like I don't get to practice good decks. I just get to play pre-made decks on Arena because then there's no skin in the game. I'm not making a choice. I'm letting predetermined things dictate how I live.

That's not good.

The mistake

I lost in the Top 8 of a PPTQ today.

When I did, my opponent expressed his surprised that I had not won the turn prior to him. I had missed my chance.

The details are fairly boring. He only had one blocker, I had a bunch of creatures and the ability to pump a Walking Ballista. His only blocking option would leave him to take enough from the remaining attackers and the Walking Ballista. But I just drew my card, decided there was nothing I could do, and passed the turn.

Why? I had told myself I had already lost. There was a Ghalta out. A 12/12 trampler. I had no way to get rid of it. And I was so focused on the thing that I couldn't do anything about that I missed the thing I could do. Win.

And this is an important lesson from a costly mistake that I may make again someday. But I need to breathe and look at the situation. Not focus on staying in the game, but focus on winning the game. I didn't do that and I paid for it.

Nothing to say

Sometimes I wonder why I have a "goal" to blog every day.

I often am just regurgitating daily activities. Who cares. I'm not particularly interesting. My skills aren't developed enough in any area that I provide anything profound for people to value visiting this site.

But a part of me wants to write.

So I will. Stubborn as that may be. Shitty as some of these posts may be.

Sorry. But it's something I feel I have to do. Maybe I should explore why? Or maybe I should just keep on working until I find the why.

Yech, that sounded more unnatural than I wanted it to.

Kindness

Standard Showdown tonight. I was 1-1. Going 2-1 or better gets you the Standard Showdown pack. Winning a match gets you a back of the current set.

Round three. I take a long game one. I'm on Blue-White Control, so that happens. Game two goes on for a while, but my opponent pulls it off. Game three starts. We have seven minutes.

I opened three lands, two History of Benalia, Lyra Dawnbringer and a Settle the Wreckage. Boom, let's go.

We speed through the first few turns. I topdeck another History of Benalia. Pounding commences. Sadly, my opponent begins to stabilize the board in their favor. Or at least in favor of me not winning. I play Lyra. He groans. Time gets called. Neither of us can win in five turns.

I say, well, if we draw, neither of us gets the prize pack or the Standard Showdown pack. He says "Well, if we had time you would have won, so take the win." I get the Stanard Showdown pack. I thank him and slide the prize pack for the round his way. He refuses. I say, no. You did something nice for me, I do something nice for you.

The pulls? All shit. Pure garbage. But there was a moment of kindness.

That was awesome.

Speechless

Back in 2014 or so I watched Twin Peaks. It was on Netflix at the time. I don't think Netflix was available in Japan at the time so I gasp used a VPN or something like that. Netflix is available in Japan now, but if Twin Peaks is still available on Netflix, it is not in Japan.

Then there's Showtime and Twin Peaks: The Return. Or, "No Season" as iTunes likes to categorize it. I think I also saw something to the tune of "A Limited Series Event" or somesuch. Anyway, I bought it. It was worth it.

I can't quite put my feelings into words right now. But I know it captures exactly the kind of thing I have been enjoying in various forms of media over the past few years. I need to reflect on this a bit before writing more.

Damn fine TV, though.

Not in the mood

I've been having to deal with my ex-wife quite a bit recently.

See, my son needs his passport renewed. She wants me to take him to America. Cool.

But we're running out of time.

I told her this months ago. I prepared documentation. I told her what to do. She doesn't respond for a month, despite my asking her about it, and then suddenly she is on my ass to get it done. Saying stuff like I owe her for his Japanese passport if we end up not going.

You know, becuase she wouldn't do what I asked her to do.

But it's draining. Suffering from depression means my mind swirls trying to figure out what I did wrong. Becuase I don't want to blame someone else even if it is their fault. I have an innate desire to see how I failed. Even when others had their share.

Oh, and she likes blaming me.

Now a day is nearly over and I am just wiped. And I have to work tomorrow. Tuesday is always my busiest day. And I'm just so tired. But I have so much more to do.

Keep on keepin' on. I suppose.

Making mistakes

PPTQs are Competitive Rules Enforcement Level, so penalties are much harsher.

I cast Pull from Tomorrow at the end of my opponent's turn for six.

And drew seven.

See, I can blame this on habit. Normally you start a game by drawing seven cards. So habit kicked in. What I should have done was lay out each card one by one, face down, and when I reached six I would have realized going for the seventh was silly, or even if I did, I think putting it back on top, since it was not yet in my hand, might have been easily remedied.

I don't know the exact rulings on the last one, but I'm guessing.

I called the judge on myself because, well, it was an honest mistake and the right thing to do. The penalty? Woof. My opponent got to look at my hand pick a card of their choosing and it got shuffled back into my deck.

Yeah, I lost that game. And match.

Lesson learned though. It was a simple slip up, but at least I know the penalty and how to prevent it in the future.

Success and yet...

I finally made Top 8 of a PPTQ.

Now, I lost in the first round of Top 8. I think I oversideboarded. But my prize pool rewarded me with a Mox Amber, and that makes number four - and it costs about what the tournament entry was. So hey. Plus there were some other decent cards that I didn't have playsets of yet. So, not bad.

But, and here is where depression comes in, I finally did it and I can't feel like celebrating. I didn't win it all, so what's the point? Except I will probably feel the same when I win it all. I did feel some elation at making Top 8. That was cool. Of course part of my brain wants to say I was lucky and didn't really deserve it. But no. I took a powerful deck and played it the best I could. And this was my first attempt with the deck. (UW Flash, by the way. Flashing in Lyra end of turn cause a lot of people to scoop.)

So now tomorrow if I don't make Top 8, I'll feel bad. I already have this upset feeling. But that's not worth having. I just have to accept what I did today, and do my best tomorrow.

That's all I can do.

Practice makes...

Put my deck I'm thinking about using for the upcoming PPTQs together on Magic Online, started a league and went 0-3 so far. Yuck.

Okay, I am learning the deck. I am not good at the control matchup. It may be a lack of patience, it may be ignorance about how to approach it. It always seems like they have more counterspells than me. Lost to UW and UB. Yuck.

I almost beat Grixis Control, but I ran out of time. I am still slow on Magic Online, especially when learning a deck. I made Teferi's Emblem when I shouldn't have and ended up having not enough time to attack my opponent.

Live and learn, I suppose.

I am nervous about the PPTQs I am going to this week but I don't know why. They aren't important to my life. What is important is doing the work I have and being the best father I can be to my son. But still, I want to be good at something. Perhaps letting that go will help me perform.

Sweet, beautiful sleep

Yesterday I came home after a PPTQ with much on my mind to do.

I fell asleep.

Magic can be exhausting. Doesn't help when you put a lot of pressure on yourself to alawys be the best. I can't. I won't. I just have to try. Although it is frustrating that I somehow seem to brainfart more at an "important" tournament like a PPTQ. Well, saying "I can't" probably does not help.

But I am really tired.

I wonder if Magic is bad for me because of how I handle losses and bad luck or how I handle losses and bad luck is exactly why I should keep playing Magic and try to improve myself as a person and see what follows.

It sure beats just sitting around and sleeping, which is what my depression makes me want to do most days.

Two steps behind.

I played Red Black Aggro at a Win-A-Box tournament today. I lost round one, so that meant I had no chance of winning the box, but I did get my draft entry for free. Didn't pull anything exciting there, but whatever.

Thing is. Well. The deck did okay. But people where jamming Karns and Teferis and all sorts of Dominaria cards and they felt good against me. I managed to still win with a deck that was mostly tweaked from last Standard but I am just not sure what to be playing right now.

I read a lot about Magic. But that's all the past. And I really shouldn't do what I did last time and just keep chaning drastically what I played each time. I mean, one has to adapt but repetition does bring skill improvements.

But I'm just not sure. And lack of confidence doesn't help either.

I feel lost. It's not that I'm not having fun, I just have this feeling that I am doing things wrong. And of course the instinct is to want to be right.

The long way home

As much as I appreciate my job, I am slowly getting more and more frustrated with where I live. To go to a little event tonight to see some people and have some drinks, I had to travel three hours. An hour more than I actually got to spend at the event.

At least it was Osaka so I could hit up a few card shops and pick up the last pieces I need for Standard this weekend.

Still. It’s frustrating. I know getting a job in a city would “solve” this but also add so many wrinkles and... well, change is scary.

I mean, I’ve been doing this job for eleven years. That’s almost a third of my life.

I feel terrified right now.